Au Revoir Fromage

I am in a toxic relationship.  It has been going on for years and it has to end.   The truth is, I have tried to get out before… multiple times, actually, but every time I do, something happens to make me dive right back in.  Usually, with a thin slice of baguette pinched firmly between my fingers.  I must end it once and for all!  I must break up with Cheese.

The dysfunctional cycle is always the same.  I wake up one morning feeling awful, remorsefully remembering the night before.  (Our dance of seduction is not pretty.) Removing the ramekin from the cupboard, cubing the Dashing Pepper Jack or the Debonair Blue or the Alluring Emmental, popping it into the nuker until it is all bubbly oozy, removing this domestic fondue and proceeding to scoff it down with the excuse of a pretzel or forty to ferry my paramour to me.

“That’s it!  I’ve had it with You!”  I determinedly toss out any remaining vestiges of  passionate Jack, perfumed Blue or that cunning Swiss one and vow to reform my nutritional values.  For a time, I only enter THAT part of the dairy section of the market to grab a few packs of timid amber slices for my son’s sandwiches.  This holds no danger for me – I find Colby submissive and not sexy in the least.    I don’t even make eye contact with ‘The Others’ and avoid the Special Deli Section COMPLETELY.   I truly start to feel better, a bit of confidence returns… and right about then, Cheese begins to surreptitiously infiltrate my fortress of fortitude.

I feel strong in my abstinence and rock solid in my resolve.  I am feeling cool, confident and cocky, and I make the radical error of thinking I can FLIRT with Cheese and walk away unscathed.  It usually happens at a cocktail party.  A heaving platter of erotic wedges wink and gaze at me as I chat my way around the room.  Near the end of the evening, and after I have spent some considerable time with Cheese’s cohort, Wine, I laugh haughtily and sliver off a fraction of that famously seductive fromage… Brie.    “Just a taste” I think.  The room spins and before I know it the round Brie Wheel is Ms. Pac Man in full open chomp.

I’m going to do it this time.  I am.  One week ago, I ended it.   I knew it would be near impossible to achieve this goal on my own, so I am engaging in group therapy with Cheese Anonymous… more commonly known as Weight Watchers.  The Grand Prize for this effort is that if I can end this lascivious relationship, I will gain an entirely (almost) new, super cute wardrobe hand selected by me!  And the good news is, it is all already waiting upstairs hanging in my closet!

My fellow NSA speaker Juliet Funt has a great recipe for downsizing, “It’s really easy.  If you want to lose weight you just need: Less Cake… or Less Couch!”  In my case… less Cheese and less chair.   I don’t want to be thin or anything crazy like that, I only want to feel healthy and to fit into the clothing that is waiting patiently for me.  I am not bitter, I have no hard feelings and truly I know Cheese has brought a lot of joy to this world.  We are just not meant to be together as anything more than distant acquaintances.  In the spirit of full disclosure, Cheese is probably not the only item in my diet I should be dumping.  But it does seem to be the gateway into Elastic Waistband Land so I am going to start here.  And I’m going to keep on starting… as long as it takes.

Come with me!  What in YOUR life should get an Eviction Notice?  You know what it is.  Just reading that last sentence, something popped immediately into your mind.  Isn’t it time to serve Walking Papers to your very own Cheese?  I’m not saying it is going to be a cake walk (ha), but I know it will be worth it, and I know if we make the choice and take the steps toward ending it, we will find others out there who will help and support our progress.  Ask yourself, what is keeping you in this toxic relationship?  Then make the choice and take the first Break Up step – Grab your Cheese firmly by the shoulders, look your Cheese straight in the eye, and tell your Cheese “I deserve better than you!  Leave your key on the table and get out of my life!”

I like to think someday, I will actually be able to have a respectful and healthy relationship with Cheese, that we might even be able to go out once in a while or share a civilized meal (yes, I HAVE been likened to Pollyanna, how did you know?)   But for the time being, I am going to focus on making sure my boundaries are firm, and doing some walking so a few other things are firm.   Which reminds me, it’s time for me to get up and get out…  Bonjour, sunshine!